Rebuilding Trust After Church Hurt
Today’s article covers:
The Stages of Grief
Forgiveness
Creating Healthy Boundaries
I sat with a client—Sarah (name changed for privacy)—who shared that she is currently deconstructing her faith.
These clients can be especially close to my heart because I deeply understand where they’re coming from. After repeated hurts from the church, it can feel far easier to drop the facade than to keep pretending—especially after profound heartbreak.
Yet in my own story, and from what I’ve heard from so many clients, what can feel and look like the end of faith is often the beginning of authentic faith.
For Sarah, when we unpacked what “deconstructing” actually meant to her, it looked far more like breaking up with the performative version of herself than abandoning her beliefs entirely. She still loved Jesus. What she struggled to separate were the harmful actions and attitudes of some Christians.
Hard times force a painful choice: step deeper into faith or walk away completely. As a counselor, my role is never to push or pull, but to honor and respect whatever stage of the spiritual journey someone is in. I’ve learned that what initially feels like a dire faith crisis often opens the door to much deeper, more honest conversations.
When Sarah first mentioned deconstructing, I braced myself for sessions heavy with bitterness toward Christians. Instead, her story quickly moved to something more foundational: how spiritual trauma so often erodes trust in oneself. Rebuilding that self-trust—and eventually extending trust to others—became the heart of our work together.
So what are some practical steps toward rebuilding trust in ourselves and others again?
One helpful framework is the well-known stages of grief, which I often reframe as the stages of healing. These stages apply not only to the loss of loved ones but also to relational and spiritual trauma, including church hurt.
Here are the seven stages:
Shock — The initial numbness or disbelief that protects us from overwhelming pain.
Denial — Refusing to fully accept the reality of what happened.
Anger — Directed outward (at others, the church, or God) or inward (at ourselves).
Bargaining — Attempting to negotiate or replay “what if” scenarios to regain a sense of control.
Depression — Deep sadness, grief, and mourning the losses involved.
Testing — Experimenting with new ways of being, coping, and relating as we begin to rebuild.
Acceptance — Coming to terms with the past, finding peace, and moving forward with renewed hope.
Important note: These stages are not linear. People often cycle through them, skip some, or experience several at once. The goal isn’t to move through them perfectly, but to give ourselves grace in the process.
As a Christian counselor, I often add Forgiveness as an additional or integrated step—especially when the hurt has come from people or institutions within the faith. Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the harm or rushing reconciliation. It means releasing the grip that bitterness has on our hearts, which is essential for freedom and healing.
I also want to acknowledge that churches have sometimes handled pain poorly. Well-meaning but poorly timed phrases like “choose joy,” “just have faith,” or “it just takes time” can feel tone-deaf or even wounding when someone’s pain feels insurmountable. These words may encourage some, but they can be dismissive to others.
So how do we handle these difficult conversations—especially when someone is hurting because of hypocrisy, betrayal, or spiritual abuse?
It starts with meeting people exactly where they are. If they’re in shock or deep pain, we simply hold space for them and offer quiet acts of kindness. It means sitting courageously in the tension when it feels like they might walk away from God.
And it means moving forward with healthy, appropriate boundaries—for their sake and for ours.
Boundaries are not walls of bitterness or rejection of the faith community as a whole. They are wise, God-honoring limits that create safety so healing can continue. Scripture shows us that even Jesus practiced boundaries—He withdrew from crowds, spoke truth with discernment, and protected His mission. In the same way, boundaries allow us to release bitterness (through forgiveness) without exposing ourselves to repeated harm.
As you set these limits, pray for discernment (John 15 reminds us to remain in Christ, who gives wisdom to know when to step away from what is unhealthy). Lean on a trauma-informed Christian counselor if the process feels overwhelming—they can help you discern which boundaries serve your healing and how to implement them with grace.
Boundaries aren’t about shutting everyone out; they’re about protecting what God is rebuilding in you so you can eventually step back into community.
Blessings,
Alyssa